Thursday, June 9, 2011
Bitter Sweet Taste of Chicago
So, I've always wanted to blog openly about my relationship and decided that now is the best time to do so. I'm flooded with emotions concerning my boyfriend and since I can not fully express my feelings to him, I think this blog would suffice as an outlet to pour out the "reel" of my emotions.
So he just to moved to Chicago for his internship. We will officially be apart from each other from this moment on. I can not help but to wonder where our relationship is heading and how he really feels for me. I know and will later go into to details about my feelings however, I must first make note of a few things/events that took place in Chicago and after his trip back from China
Before Chicago and After China
He came back from China and greeted my with a sincere hug and kiss. I felt it. He missed me and it felt so good to be in his embrace. For the few days he was back from China, I had his undivided attention and I felt loved. He talked about China, showed me all the gifts that he bought and even showed me all his pictures. We even made out (something we don't usually do) to the point of no return (if you know what I mean). We had no choice but to take it further. The next day we had breakfast and watched Hangover 2. It was like he was when I first met him. I had everything to be happy for. Nothing, not even the past could disappoint me. Despite the fact that he didn't make plans for me to drive to Chicago with him, I ended up coming anyway.... I was happy and yet hurt at the gesture....
Chicago
When he invited me to drive to Chicago with him and then he didn't make the plans for me to come, I was hurting inside. I felt as though he didn't want me to come. We haven't seen each other in over 2 weeks and he didn't want me to come. How?? Then when he realized that he was too jet legged to make the trip by himself, he re invited me to drive with him. I didn't feel special. Although happy to make the trip with him, I felt like a second class citizen. What made up for this gesture was the time we were able to spend together on the 12 hour trip, his acknowledgment of me being on the trip to his family and friends and his phone call from his father.
During this trip, his father called and spoke to me for the first time. Now, in the realty of things; this really isn't that big of a deal. However, to keep my feelings real, I was happy, excited and honored to know that his father knows of me. Its a small step, nonetheless a step in a good direction.
When we got there, I must admit I enjoyed my time with him. We watched the game together, toured millennium park, and visited an art museum. While he went to work, I played house lol...cooking, cleaning and making sure that everything was in order by the time he came home. I prepared lasagna and stew to last him a week. I felt good and enjoyed doing these things for him. I also noticed that he was very generous with his spending. He kept his promise and bought my plane ticket back to DC. He also paid for dinner, dessert, and the groceries needed for the apartment. I was bit shocked or maybe impressed (not sure). All in all, I enjoyed the trip except for a few minor instances. I was happy to be there for him, even if that meant cooking or waiting for him to come home.
One afternoon while talking to my cousin, who is married and expecting twins and my best friend, who is in a 4 year relationship with a guy that cant commit to the "next step", I realized that I didn't know where my man's head was at in regard to our relationship. Was I just someone he could use and keep as a filler until the right girl came along? Or was I someone he could see himself build a meaningful relationship with and perhaps one day marry? I just didn't know?? When faced with questions from my cousin and the realities of my best friend, I realized that I was completely in the dark with how he felt about me. Realistically, I know my man is not the best at multitasking. When anything semi important enters his life, I unfortunately end up taking the back seat. I've learned to acknowledge this flaw in him and help him work at it. With that said, I know him focusing on his internship, his last year of school and me is not going to happen successfully. So I've decided that if he wants to still build on our relationship after school with an end goal of marriage, then I would wait on him. The answer, however, was still uncertain. Not knowing what his answer/plan would be, I was determined to ask him and find out before I left Chicago.
This is not the first time I have felt this. I know this feeling very well. All I want to do is spend quality time with him. All he wants to do is anything that doesn't involve me. At that moment in bed I gained the courage to ask him how he felt about me and what was going to happen to us after school. He replied that he cared about me and "liked me a lot". He was in the process of devising a plan in which we can continue what we have. He said that he's not the type of guy to keep me waiting and that his end goal was eventually to get married. I was shocked by this answer only because I expected him to have no answer at all. Nonetheless, I wasn't comforted by this answer. There was no time frame, and almost no emotion. I sat there desperately looking at him for some sort of security or intimacy to tell me that everything was going to be ok and I didn't get it. I just wanted him to tell me and show me all at the same time and maybe I would have felt better. I still don't feel better.
His words and actions at time seems to conflict. It reminds me of my graduation party when he said that he wouldn't miss it for the world and he missed it. Its hard for me to rebound after that. Especially when we don't share intimate thoughts or when I speak to him for only 5-10 minutes each day. I don't feel secure and I'm not sure if he is here for me.
He then asked me why I had the surge of questions. I told him that it feels as though everyone else is moving forward in their relationships but we are standing still. For someone like me, this is the worse feeling. Stagnation means that I'm not winning or working towards something. It feels like I'm chilling and everyone knows that chilling is for vacations and vacations are always temporary. I don't want our relationship to be temporary and so this bothers me very much. I'm not asking for marriage right now. He's still very young. I am, however, asking for progression from one state to another. Movement... I haven't met his mom. We talk less and less about our relationship. He's so wired to face book, twitter, Skye and his phone to the point where after we are intimate we don't cuddle, he resorts to those aforementioned things. It always makes me feel low. As if what we share doesn't matter. He doesn't post any pictures of us together on Face book. I wish that one day he would change his profile picture of him to one of us. Or perhaps let the world know of our relationship. I'm screaming for attention from him and will take it in any shape or form. I'm proud of my relationship with him and I want the world to know. It saddens me that he doesn't feel the same. I wonder if he really does care for me but doesn't know how to express it. I wonder if he's waiting on me to make the first grand jester. I wonder why he doesn't cuddle with me. I wonder why he doesn't put me on a pedestal. I wish he would be more like a boyfriend. I want him to hug, kiss and look at me. I want to know, without a doubt that I'm special to him and that I'm the only thing that matter. Right now I have doubt. I just want to feel special. I wonder if he'll ever make me feel special. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make him feel special. I doubt he feels the same way I feel about him.
We woke up early the next morning to go to the airport. He drove me. I was sad to leave him. I didn't want to leave him. A part of me feels that by leaving our relationship has ended. I have no control over what happens - that's how I feel. The ball is in his court and now its up to him to prove to me that he wants this. I will continue to pray on us. That is all I can do. I cant be all up on him. It will hurt too much because I know that it would be me putting in all the effort. I need to see him put in effort. I need to believe that he wants me. We separated with no more additional words said to each other. I wanted to ask what I should expect from him. I wanted to know if he would really work on his proposed plan for us. I wanted to know when I would see him again. I wanted to know if I was going to talk to him at least once a day. There's so much I wanted to talk to him about but I felt like a burden bringing them up. Why couldn't he just make me feel secure about all of this?
So he just to moved to Chicago for his internship. We will officially be apart from each other from this moment on. I can not help but to wonder where our relationship is heading and how he really feels for me. I know and will later go into to details about my feelings however, I must first make note of a few things/events that took place in Chicago and after his trip back from China
Before Chicago and After China
He came back from China and greeted my with a sincere hug and kiss. I felt it. He missed me and it felt so good to be in his embrace. For the few days he was back from China, I had his undivided attention and I felt loved. He talked about China, showed me all the gifts that he bought and even showed me all his pictures. We even made out (something we don't usually do) to the point of no return (if you know what I mean). We had no choice but to take it further. The next day we had breakfast and watched Hangover 2. It was like he was when I first met him. I had everything to be happy for. Nothing, not even the past could disappoint me. Despite the fact that he didn't make plans for me to drive to Chicago with him, I ended up coming anyway.... I was happy and yet hurt at the gesture....
Chicago
When he invited me to drive to Chicago with him and then he didn't make the plans for me to come, I was hurting inside. I felt as though he didn't want me to come. We haven't seen each other in over 2 weeks and he didn't want me to come. How?? Then when he realized that he was too jet legged to make the trip by himself, he re invited me to drive with him. I didn't feel special. Although happy to make the trip with him, I felt like a second class citizen. What made up for this gesture was the time we were able to spend together on the 12 hour trip, his acknowledgment of me being on the trip to his family and friends and his phone call from his father.
During this trip, his father called and spoke to me for the first time. Now, in the realty of things; this really isn't that big of a deal. However, to keep my feelings real, I was happy, excited and honored to know that his father knows of me. Its a small step, nonetheless a step in a good direction.
When we got there, I must admit I enjoyed my time with him. We watched the game together, toured millennium park, and visited an art museum. While he went to work, I played house lol...cooking, cleaning and making sure that everything was in order by the time he came home. I prepared lasagna and stew to last him a week. I felt good and enjoyed doing these things for him. I also noticed that he was very generous with his spending. He kept his promise and bought my plane ticket back to DC. He also paid for dinner, dessert, and the groceries needed for the apartment. I was bit shocked or maybe impressed (not sure). All in all, I enjoyed the trip except for a few minor instances. I was happy to be there for him, even if that meant cooking or waiting for him to come home.
One afternoon while talking to my cousin, who is married and expecting twins and my best friend, who is in a 4 year relationship with a guy that cant commit to the "next step", I realized that I didn't know where my man's head was at in regard to our relationship. Was I just someone he could use and keep as a filler until the right girl came along? Or was I someone he could see himself build a meaningful relationship with and perhaps one day marry? I just didn't know?? When faced with questions from my cousin and the realities of my best friend, I realized that I was completely in the dark with how he felt about me. Realistically, I know my man is not the best at multitasking. When anything semi important enters his life, I unfortunately end up taking the back seat. I've learned to acknowledge this flaw in him and help him work at it. With that said, I know him focusing on his internship, his last year of school and me is not going to happen successfully. So I've decided that if he wants to still build on our relationship after school with an end goal of marriage, then I would wait on him. The answer, however, was still uncertain. Not knowing what his answer/plan would be, I was determined to ask him and find out before I left Chicago.
This is not the first time I have felt this. I know this feeling very well. All I want to do is spend quality time with him. All he wants to do is anything that doesn't involve me. At that moment in bed I gained the courage to ask him how he felt about me and what was going to happen to us after school. He replied that he cared about me and "liked me a lot". He was in the process of devising a plan in which we can continue what we have. He said that he's not the type of guy to keep me waiting and that his end goal was eventually to get married. I was shocked by this answer only because I expected him to have no answer at all. Nonetheless, I wasn't comforted by this answer. There was no time frame, and almost no emotion. I sat there desperately looking at him for some sort of security or intimacy to tell me that everything was going to be ok and I didn't get it. I just wanted him to tell me and show me all at the same time and maybe I would have felt better. I still don't feel better.
His words and actions at time seems to conflict. It reminds me of my graduation party when he said that he wouldn't miss it for the world and he missed it. Its hard for me to rebound after that. Especially when we don't share intimate thoughts or when I speak to him for only 5-10 minutes each day. I don't feel secure and I'm not sure if he is here for me.
He then asked me why I had the surge of questions. I told him that it feels as though everyone else is moving forward in their relationships but we are standing still. For someone like me, this is the worse feeling. Stagnation means that I'm not winning or working towards something. It feels like I'm chilling and everyone knows that chilling is for vacations and vacations are always temporary. I don't want our relationship to be temporary and so this bothers me very much. I'm not asking for marriage right now. He's still very young. I am, however, asking for progression from one state to another. Movement... I haven't met his mom. We talk less and less about our relationship. He's so wired to face book, twitter, Skye and his phone to the point where after we are intimate we don't cuddle, he resorts to those aforementioned things. It always makes me feel low. As if what we share doesn't matter. He doesn't post any pictures of us together on Face book. I wish that one day he would change his profile picture of him to one of us. Or perhaps let the world know of our relationship. I'm screaming for attention from him and will take it in any shape or form. I'm proud of my relationship with him and I want the world to know. It saddens me that he doesn't feel the same. I wonder if he really does care for me but doesn't know how to express it. I wonder if he's waiting on me to make the first grand jester. I wonder why he doesn't cuddle with me. I wonder why he doesn't put me on a pedestal. I wish he would be more like a boyfriend. I want him to hug, kiss and look at me. I want to know, without a doubt that I'm special to him and that I'm the only thing that matter. Right now I have doubt. I just want to feel special. I wonder if he'll ever make me feel special. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make him feel special. I doubt he feels the same way I feel about him.
We woke up early the next morning to go to the airport. He drove me. I was sad to leave him. I didn't want to leave him. A part of me feels that by leaving our relationship has ended. I have no control over what happens - that's how I feel. The ball is in his court and now its up to him to prove to me that he wants this. I will continue to pray on us. That is all I can do. I cant be all up on him. It will hurt too much because I know that it would be me putting in all the effort. I need to see him put in effort. I need to believe that he wants me. We separated with no more additional words said to each other. I wanted to ask what I should expect from him. I wanted to know if he would really work on his proposed plan for us. I wanted to know when I would see him again. I wanted to know if I was going to talk to him at least once a day. There's so much I wanted to talk to him about but I felt like a burden bringing them up. Why couldn't he just make me feel secure about all of this?
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